Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered: 

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded. 

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded. 

6. If all is not lost, where is it? 

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 

8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. 

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. 

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. 

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees. 

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere. 

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.. 

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter. 

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded. 

20. I’M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I’VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE.